I am thinking about priorities. I am not saying the I don’t know what are my top priorities are, I do. That is the easy part. My list looks like this:
God, Family, Work, Money, Writing, Self……
That is where I get a bit crazy. I want my list to look like this….
God, Family,Writing self, money, work….
The hard part is that priorities do not always line up nicely in a list but more like in a circle or a blob. Some days my list gets jumbled up so that I can not tell what I should focus on first. My work is stressful, my writing is difficult, my family is also sometimes difficult,money is short and I get angry with the self. So that is the dilemma, how to I get my priorities to line up and behave without neglecting any of them?
The answer God. I gave him all the stuff….I literally said “God here I can’t deal with any of this stuff any longer you take it.” There was an intense rush of temporary relief. It was temporary because I took it back from God the first time I got scared. At that point I screwed them up very nicely…all but my family, they are good. The rest is pretty much a shambles. My job is crazy, my money is tight, my writing is haphazard, and my self is tired and fat.
I gave things back over to God a second time but with conditions. Some of my demands were that I write what I want, give the amount of money I want, work where I want and eat what I want. Basically, do what I want and let God direct it like some manager of my life instead of what He really is, the owner of my life. This went very fine for a bit until I realized that over time I had slowly gathered everything back up and was controlling the list again….that’s when the blob stated taking over. Things were a jumbled up mess.
So, that is where I decided to give it to God and resist the compulsion to snatch it back when I think it should go my way instead of His. I gave up on my demands and gave up all control.
This is where I am now. Listening and doing what I can to follow God’s will not my own. I am not planing or coniving….just doing what God tells me is right.