Maybe I should Hold My Breath

Trust is a fragile thing that once it is lost is hard to get back. I am often cautious with trust. I know that most people trust until you give them a reason not to trust you, but I can’t just trust. I have to get to know you first, see how you treat me and others, then I trust slowly. I may eventually work my way up to trusting you but if you mess up, I can stop trusting you in an instant.

Not only can I not trust people easily but I was the same way when it came to trusting Jesus. I mean He is God. He made the universe and everything in it, but does He care about me? Will he take care of me like the Bible says? I am just not so sure about that.  I am not trusting enough to walk out on the water when He calls me to stand with Him. I am more of a toe tester first. You know the one who says, “Ok Jesus, I know that you say I can walk out there to you, but let me test this water with my big toe first and see how that goes.”  Yeah, that is me alright. I am not about to go for a swim today. What happens when I look down at that foot of mine to see if the water is going to hold me? I sink. The moment I take my eyes of Jesus, I am swimming in my own sea of doubt and mistrust.

Jesus is always the same, He is still there waiting for me to take that step. The problem is me. I can’t trust that He will keep me afloat. Unlike the imperfect people in my life who will not only let me sink but push my head down in the waves the first chance they get, Jesus will take care of me.  His love is like water wings for the weak.

I am trying very hard to trust Him this time. I am looking at Him and I am hearing Him say, “Come one out….I will take care of you. I love you.” Yet, I have one foot dangling over the side and the other foot firmly planted in my leaky boat. What does this make me? An ungrateful, disobedient girl who is scared? Yes and it also makes me human.

He knows I am not going to trust Him all the time. He knows I am not going to jump right out on the water and often when I stick that toe out, I sink. The thing is, when I do sink, He pulls me up, drags my soaking wet misbehaving ungrateful tail up on the beach, tosses me a towel and says, “See I told you to trust me. Maybe you will listen next time.”

The Lord knows I am human. He knows I won’t trust Him all the time. I am so thankful that He gives me the room to be myself and learn from each near drowning I experience.

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