After all this time of stress, confusion, depression and other things I have been dealing with, it finally hit me. I am a disconnected person.
I have a crazy sectioned off life. It is almost like I am schizophrenic in the things I do. I have, in no particular order, a job a writing career, graduate classes, church, family and friends. I have prided myself in keeping these things separated. They very rarely if ever cross paths. Yet, I am the same person in all these things and at the same time I am not the same. I feel like different people. It is almost an out-of-body experiences sometimes when I hear myself speak in different situations.
I stared looking for the common threads that run through my life. Like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, I get this sense that I am in island not really effecting others in much and that people really do not notice me. Well after I do something wrong or forget to do something then they notice me. Then it’s where have you been? Why haven’t you called? Where is this or that report, assignment and hey you forgot to buy this or that when you went to the grocery store. The rest of the time I am an enigma that seems to slide from one life to another, in and out of my body in different scenes of this life.
In prayer this morning I had this clear message from God. I was thinking about this disconnectedness in the experiences I have. “You were not made to live like this. Stop.” This idea of mixing things, sharing things between my worlds terrifies me. I hear the voice of my doubt ring loud and clear. No, I can’t what if this explodes in my face?
Then I realized the only thing exploding or imploding is me. I am pulled and pushed in ways I can not take much more of. How do I connect the pieces of my life? How do I change from this fragmented person to a whole person?
Connect the parts, find the common ground in all that you do….clear your plate of the unnecessary stuff. Oh, ok, I get it…..simply be true to who I am. The few threads I found running through all I do were God, love and hope. God is in all I do. I love people no matter where I am and I have hope that God will bless me and keep me.
In light of that I am going to do something unprecedented for me. I am going to share with you a piece of that other life of mine. Earlier this week I shared a pieces of this life, my writing life with that other part and surprisingly enough, the world kept spinning.
My writing which never has been a part of my “day job” now is. I am not so sure I am comfortable with it yet. I know I can not live this sectioned off life any longer. I have to find ways to combine all I love and all I do into one seamless existence.
So I start today. Hold my hand God, stay with me, I think the tide is changing and the surf is getting rough, but I know with God all things are possible. Even making me a whole person is possible. Connection #1 Connection #2