A Strong Word

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One of the strongest words in the English language is forever. Merriam Webster defines forever as a limitless time (as in He wants to live forever) or at all times, continually. Forever is one of those words that stands in front of you defiantly and dares you to prove it wrong. It is bossy and intrusive. The word forever and I have always agreed to disagree. It says to me, let go trust that I am true. I say no, no you are not. There is no such thing as forever.  I am good with the continually definition. It is the limitless time that gives me anxiety. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing. Seasons change, people die, good things always come to an end and bad times pass. There is no such thing as forever. The difficult lessons in life have taught me that forever is a fantasy, a fairy tale. We all know that fairy tales are not true.

Just recently I have had this needling thought in my head. It is a particularly chatty monkey that says, “You are wrong. Love lasts forever. Real love is never-ending.” I have resisted the urge to toss that monkey out on his head. I try to get my head around the thought that someone could love me so much that it lasts not just my lifetime but forever into eternity. I have even said to that thought monkey and the person who put it in my head, “No, I do not say forever. I can’t trust that to be true.”

Then the monkey chatter says in rebellion, “What if you are wrong? What do you have to lose? What is love?” That definition of love is stronger than that nasty little monkey called forever.  The same dictionary defines love as a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person, attraction that includes sexual desire, the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship, a person you love in a romantic way, God or personification of love.

I have said on this blog that God is love. I have also said that love is worth the risk.  I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t at least give this forever consideration. I have love in my life that is strong that has the potential to last a long long time. I don’t know if it will indeed last forever. All I can do is hope and have faith that it is enough. That the love I have in my life will last a long time and that it is worth the risk.

At that thought another nicer calmer monkey spoke up in the chatter, “Love is worth everything. Stop listening to your mind and listen to your heart.”

I sighed, conceded and said out loud, “I love you…forever.”

Next to me the one who loves me smiled and said, ” I love you too.”

 

Becoming Me

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What makes you say that is me? Is it what you do? How you look?  How you feel? What is it in your life that make you who you are? Ever felt that you became a different person? Ever discovered that you became weaker than before? Do you feel that you are not being yourself anymore?  From a young age, we are conditioned to act in certain ways in order to feel loved. This is the beginning of our loss of personal authenticity. We are taught to function in society we must conform. Your authentic self is the real you that is beyond all of those conditioned beliefs and thinking patterns that you have accumulated throughout your life.

I have spent the last thirty years becoming someone I did not recognize. I was so concerned about not offending anyone and not looking crazy to the outside world that I become some version of me that I did not know. I didn’t see this happening. It was a gradual process. One sacrifice here. One compromise there. One held word here. One concession to do something that I didn’t really want to do but did it to keep the peace there. Before long these things become who I was. I evolved in to this person that did not want to upset the status quo. I chalked it up to this is what a good mom and a good wife does. I ignored my intuition for the longest time because I felt so obligated to others. Their happiness was more important than my own. I had been a mom for twenty some odd years and a wife for thirty some odd. Somewhere along the way I lost me. Please do not misunderstand. It wasn’t all bad. My baby girl was the best thing that came out of that time of my life. She is amazing. I am not sure how she turned out to be so wonderful, but she is. I did find love and happiness along the way. I had good times during all this but the core of who I was ended up not being who I really was. I used to have my own way of speaking, behaving and thinking, and I felt like it was hiding somewhere. Every time I let out a small bit of who I was, someone or something would make fun of it, insult it or say it was stupid. I would tuck it back in. I became a stranger to myself.

One day I woke up. I looked myself in the mirror and said, that is it. No more being someone else. No more putting everyone else’s idea of who I should be above who I really am. I will be me. If the rest of the world doesn’t like it, that is too damn bad.

I am beginning to understand the intention behind every action I take and I am making a conscious decision to do only what is right for me as a true version of myself. I am gathering the courage each moment and to sometimes say no to anything or anyone that doesn’t allow me to be myself. I focus on what is in alignment with my personality. As a result I am better to others. I can be more honest to them. I am not hiding and lying to protect them or me. I am a better listener. I am fully present in my life. I am more authentic. I am more empathetic.

Being myself is risky. Something could go wrong, and then whose fault would it be? Mine. I have come to accept responsibility for my actions. This I found out is a gradual process too. It is painful, exciting, and freeing to become who you really are on the inside and outside. I have lost friends. I have lost family. They could not accept the real me. They liked the me who was compliant. The me that was their comfortable person. The let’s not rock the boat person. They preferred the watered down version of me. Did that hurt to lose them? Yes, extremely painful in some cases. What I gained is priceless. I have gained a life. I have gained a sense of purpose. I have gained my sanity.

I am becoming me and I like me.

 

 

 

 

We left a Hole

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We worked on the wall till the break was almost closed up. We could see over the wall where the break opened up. Resilient stood back and was pleased with the work we did. Soon a friend approached. Her shirt said loneliness. This friend was crying.

“What is wrong?” I asked her.

“This wall makes me sad.” she said.

Resilient was mad. “I am not talking the wall down. We must be protected.”

Loneliness asks, ” Can we at least leave a hole to look through in case they come?”

I was concerned then that Resilient would not allow it. She sighed and said ok.

So there in the wall above the new bricks she left a hole. Not one big enough for anyone to get through. Just big enough for us to see if anyone was coming. This made loneliness a little happier.

We took turns looking to see if we could see any more friends.

“This may take a while.” I said. “Let’s not give up”

“ok, Courage” the others replied.

She Builds the Wall

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Here is a bit of fiction…or is it?

She Builds the Wall

I found her standing in front of a wall. The wall was made of bricks the same color red as the bricks that build the american dream home but about half the size and perfect cube in shape. She was mixing a bucket of concrete and slathering it on the bricks. Then she placed them ever so deliberately on the wall where it looks like a strong force crashed in the bricks flinging them all over the ground. I walked up behind her and she does not turn around. She continues to work one brick at the time.

I look to my left and see the wall goes on past my line of sight. I look to my right and see the same. On it goes. I look up and it disappears in to the fog. “What are you doing?” I ask her. She sighs, “What does it look like? I am repairing the break.” Her voice is soft and not unlike my own.

It is a slow process since she is very particular in how she chooses the bricks. She lovingly picks them up and dusts off each side. She then sizes it up for the next location on the wall carefully placing it on the vacant spot. Once she is satisfied it is the correct block, she then coats it and places it on the wall. She continues to pick up bricks, coat them with mud and place them on the wall.

“What broke your wall?” I asked

Again she sighed, “It was my fault. I let my guard down and when I wasn’t paying attention someone got in, wreaked havoc and I forced them back on the other side. Now I am fixing it so they can’t come back on my side.”

She never broke her stride as she explained the break and what happened. She continued to work. Carefully picking up bricks, tenderly stroking them and placing them on the wall.

“When it is fixed, what will you do then?” I asked

Again she sighed, “I will wait for the one who is worthy of coming to my side. I think that they are never coming though. I will just watch and maintain the wall.”

With that she turned and looked at me. She smiled with my smile. Printed on her shirt was the word “Resilient”

She said, “Your shirt says ‘courage’, will you stay with me?”

I sighed, picked up a brick and dusted it off. I measured the place where it would go, slopped on the concrete and placed the brick on the wall.

Newest Novel in Progress…

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Would you read this book?

Charlotte Barlow suspected something was a little off when her quiet reserved cousin kissed her when she was just sixteen years old. The kiss unnerved her. Nevertheless, she lived a relatively normal life among the humans. Charlotte a practicing witch from the ancient order of Time Walkers, hid her talents and powers from everyone she knew. When Charlotte is injured in a drunk driving accident, she realizes that her life had been a lie from the very beginning. It wasn’t until she bumped into the devilishly wild fallen being, who called himself by his human name, Scott Petrois, that her life and family history finally began to make sense. 

Scott proved to be a force that Charlotte was not capable of resisting. Charlotte soon learned that Scott had taken an oath and that oath could destroy her. Despite Scott’s creepy ways and murderous tendencies, Charlotte finds herself falling for the dishonored creature. Only fate will decided whether she kills or protects him.

One night, a powerful warlock appears before Charlotte and warns her of a darkness within Scott. The enchanter gives Charlotte the pure silver sword – the only weapon that can defeat against a wild spiritual creature. Will Charlotte find it in herself to kill the only soul who has ever made her feel truly complete? 

You have just read a synopsis of my current work in progress. What do you think?

Don’t get to attached to the cover. It is just a mock up.

coverImage

 

The Nothing Box

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I have recently been introduced to the concept of the Nothing Box. This concept is not a new one. Apparently it has been out there for years. This wise man I know explained to me that all men have compartments in their brains that they separate thoughts and memories. When they want to think about something the pull out a box from the memory shelf and open it. They think about that thing they have in front of them. All the memories and thoughts go into a box.One of the boxes is called the Nothing Box. Men are experts on thinking about nothing. Girlfriends and wives can attest that they ask men what they are thinking about often get the nothing reply. The women often don’t believe the men when they say they are thinking nothing because women can’t think of nothing. Women have brains that do not stop, so it is hard for them to grasp the concept of thinking nothing. I disagree that it is impossible for women to think about nothing. While I do agree that it is harder for women to shut down their brains, it is not impossible.

I have tried to access my nothing box. Let me tell you, it takes practice to shut down and focus on nothing. Quieting what my friend calls the monkey chatter in your head is not an easy task. It takes concentration, but it can be done. Men find this easy. I find it frustrating.

I kept practicing and one day my brain cooperated, I realized that I was indeed not thinking about a thing. It was a very freeing experience. Emptying my mind relaxed my body and brought peace to my soul. I realized that it actually allows for God to speak to me in the nothingness. It is almost like silent prayer that allows my soul just to be in he presence of nothing but God. I imagine this is like the Zen experience in some meditation practices.

The next time you are feeling stressed and your brain is chattering in multiple voices, try finding your nothing box. Pull it out and climb inside. If it will not work the first few times, do not give up, keep trying. I bet you will discover like me that this nothing box thing is great.

 

Storms

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Here where I live storms are a fact of life. If we have a week or so without rain we swear it’s a drought. We are ending the summer and headed into Fall. I love warm weather. I hate wearing shoes. Someone should make flip flops acceptable business footwear. I am a die hard ocean breeze, sunshine and summer rain kind of girl.  I am not looking forward to Fall and cool temperatures, not really.  Don’t get me started on pumpkin everything everywhere….

Anyway, where was I ? Oh storms, we are waiting for one now. The air is thick and humid. The wind is picking up a bit and the clouds are rolling in. It is the prelude to the rain. I love this feeling of anticipation and then the release of summer rain that smells of clean air. It brings peace to my soul.

In life we get so wrapped up in the drama and why of things that we need to just let the summer rain wash the worry out of our minds. Ignore the chatter and let what you need to happen happen. All else, all the unneeded words and feelings, let them wash away like the peaceful summer rain.