When is it good enough?

I am a self-proclaimed perfectionist. Case in point, I received my grades for this semester, all A’s then I looked at my GPA, 3.93, really? My perfect 4.0 gone. I was, am aghast. After I took a breath and realized that other folks would kill for that GPA I realized how obsessive I am about my performance. I began to wonder, why is that? Why am I so perfection driven? Why is it so important to me to do things well and do things perfect every time?

I have no answers. Maybe it is because my mom was, is so supportive. She says things like, “You can do anything you want to do! You can be whatever you want to be!” I never really believed that, still don’t I am a firm believer that life is what you make it but you must have the opportunities and finances to be what you want to be. I have not yet convinced myself that it is not like that and  it can be different. No, I am not so sure.

I think that is my answer. I am driven to do things perfect so that I can be what I want to be, eventually. I truly feel that mediocre performance will not do. I know that I need to seek God’s guidance for this obsession. I need to know what He says about it. I am just nervous at what I will find out. Let’s see what His word says,

Matthew 5:48

King James Version (KJV)

48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

Matthew 19:21

New King James Version (NKJV)

21 Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”

 

At first glance I see conformation that I am right to be a perfectionist, then I read the rest of the second verse, “sell what you have and give to the poor”. Like I thought there is a catch. It is perfectly alright to seek perfection if it is for the right reasons. Seek to be like God and while you’re at it help the poor. Don’t use the pursuit for perfection for your own selfish gains.

I hear you Lord, loud and clear.

I can’t promise next semester I won’t be obsessive about grades, but I understand why I shouldn’t be. I will try to focus on the work it takes to get there, not the grade.  Maybe a 3.93 isn’t so bad after all.

So It Begins

I applied and was accepted into FSU, that’s Florida State University. I just assume that everyone knows what it is and some of you non Floridians may not know. Anyway, I applied for the masters program and they accepted me. Then my first thought was “What the hell have I done?!”

Yeah, slight meltdown. I work full-time at a day job that pays the bills, I write as often as I can already and now I have added working toward a master’s degree in the mix. I am insane or a least a glutton for punishment.

So I then do what I always do when I think I am in trouble, I start intense negotiations with God. It goes something like this “God, am I doing the right thing? If I am let me know, send me a sign. Nothing to fancy just a lightning bolt or a chorus of angels.” That didn’t work so I continue with ultimatums. “God if you can show me what I need to do I will go to church more and do more for the needy.”

Well God didn’t send a sign, nope, that did not happen, imagine that. God knows me better than I do. He knows I very rarely miss church and I give what I can to the needy. I just have to be patient. I have to wait and pray. I know that going to school is the right answer, I got that answer in my gutt. It’s what I am going to do with it that I don’t know, what about my writing and what about my day job?

After some thought and prayer I allowed myself to get excited about graduate school! I am certain that God is leading me there, for what I have no clue but just going is the right thing to do!

Pause in Time

Due to my brain being on high voltage studying for the GRE the next two weeks, I have to pause this blog. Test day is Sept 19th. Your prayers and patience is greatly appreciated. I will pick up the discussion of God and time after test day!

Thank you!

Today I walk

     Today I graduate from the University of West Florida. I asked God to help me through each day…”just one day at a time God, I can’t do it without you” was my mantra. It was the only way I could have made it with my full time job and a family. My husband was my backbone and support. It was hard. Several long nights writing and reading just to get up from my desk at 4 AM to go to work. Many missed parties, special events and everyday moments. My daughter, mother, and husband had very little of my time. They suffered becuase of my dreams to have a degree. I was so very brain tired when I finished that last class ,that last exam, and that last paper. School was an obbsession, a vision, and a desire that I had to have. Today is the day. I walk across that stage and in less than five seconds it will be complete…I will be a college graduate. Thank God. As one adventure ends another begins.